So Christmas 2019 has come and gone. 2020 just around the corner. Pictured above are photos of family, friends, memories, traditions, and all of the holiday spirits I could possibly incorporate this year. I worked really hard to stay positive and trust in all of the good that surrounded me. I’m blessed with still having my Nana and Poppy still here, my mother’s former friend still a huge force in my life as well as her other extremely close friends, Johnnie and Ashley. They were so good to me this year treating me as their daughter as they promised my mother they would do. I am blessed to treat them as my second mom’s too. I’m beyond blessed to have all the support I do around me. I was so happy this year to give and love. I have to admit that I was angry most of the time my mother was sick. I didn’t know what to do with the feelings and emotions so all that I could release is the anger I had from watching her decline the way she did. We had so much fun together even up to her last days. I didn’t want them to end. And now that I can’t pick up the phone and just call her to talk about nothing, everything, and laugh, it leaves a void I can’t begin to explain. My niece, Sandra Lee, was her pride and joy and brought her the most happiness I’ve ever seen her experience. I have a locket around my neck that mama told me to put on the day she was transported to Hospice. Giving it to Sandra on her 16th birthday as Mama requested. I think of the day we spent my 30th birthday together in Boone all the time. This was right before she told me the news. The irony is that I knew in my heart the news was coming and that’s why I had been acting out even before she told me. I just knew. Maybe that was God preparing me, I’m not sure, but I knew. And that’s another reason the only place I wanted to be for my 30th birthday was with her. I wanted to be with her every chance I got. Christmas and Thanksgiving were hard this year without her but I stayed extremely strong, a strength that could only come from Jesus. Alex’s dad helped me make her green bean casserole and I added her touch of nutmeg to it for Martha fashion. Alex and I carried on the oranges tradition which was so sacred and special to me. I hope to carry it on with a daughter of my own one day. Altogether, I think we honored her with the spirit she always brought to every holiday.
New Year’s is around the corner. Pictures to come. Alex and I are going to do steak and lobster and I can’t wait to dress up for it. Even if we are just in our cozy home. We have some things to look forward to in 2020- possibly a bigger place, my graduation, staying in Beech Mountain with my brother, sister in law, and Alex, and some other little things that I’m dreaming up. Dreaming up is still something I have to do. Dreams are important and I realize that since mama passed, all I can think about in the past. The future is hard to tell and hard to look forward to. However, things like blogging, school, going to the gym, reaching goals, etc. will foster more dreams to come. Making a wish list is important but the wish list I desire to make consists of things to be, things to do rather than things to have like that Chanel perfume and LV bag that I want to treat myself to for graduation. I can’t help it, it’s part of the woman I want to be. It’s more than materialistic, it’s more about being a woman who is accomplished and chic and I want to work for it. Alex is not on board though as we need to be saving for a home. The long term goals are a little harder for me to comprehend sometimes. I know it’s part of my manic personality that I must get under control but the thought of that Neverfull hanging from my arm and fitting all of my necessities in, and smelling like Audrey Hepburn is something worth dreaming, right? Dreams: a new home, a wedding, kids, a career, the American Dream. Please tell me it’s not too late. More than anything, I want to be okay inside. I know it’s an inside job and all of these outside things that I “desire” are a reflection of what I’m missing on the inside. I know I need to be in therapy right now. I have an appointment with my PA on Monday because I’m almost out of my medication. Gosh, it’s worked wonders in my life and I have a new appreciation for PA’s, especially mine. She’s amazing. I think it’s ironic, too, that Johnnie is a PA. Of course, she is! She has that spark, passion, and love for others, love for me and it makes a difference. And Ashley and Kristy- these women have been my solid rocks through the passing of my mother and I could go on and on about how thankful I am for them. Although today has been a hard day for me mentally, thinking about mama, I reflect on the good, write about the good, and it makes a difference. It brings me so much happiness to just sit down and type out my words on sleeves. I just want to move forward and sometimes that is so extremely hard for me. I need a new muse. Something to really focus on and not stop focusing on it until it’s time for a new one. I guess, for now, I’ll keep trying to capture precious moments, keep writing, and keep going. It’s got to be ok. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end so this must be my middle. And the middle, from what I hear, can be exceptionally hard. It just needs to ease up and the only way that is going to happen is if I become stronger. Here’s to strength.