Overall, it has been a good weekend. It started with getting off work and coming home to studying and reading. Cleaning came afterwards, and then reading and studying again to ensure I passed the quiz for Mass Media and Society. The rest of the weekend came with morning coffee, revamping the apartment a little bit and getting some good food at DD Peckers and a nice dessert at TCBY. Mass Media and Society has been a challenging course for me but I am working through it every day. I realize that it takes a type of reading and studying that plainly, I haven’t been used to in my entire academic career. It’s done something to me, wake me up in a sense of what it really means to be a communications major student. Balancing everything lately has been hard so I’ve taken many steps back to just take care of myself and do what I need to do to get things done. A lot of work and a little R&R goes a long way. I still can’t decide if it is my kitchen table or my desk in my room is where I should be settling down but the coffee shops are not where I head to anymore when I have work to do. I remember the days when I lived at the coffee shop. I don’t know if it is because of the fact of getting older or just my new normal, but home is where I stay these days. So, it is important I keep it up and maintain it as somewhere I am glad to be. I’ve gotten back to the gym which has been a must in keeping stress at bay. I forgot just how good it felt after breaking a sweat. I love getting into my workout clothes and stepping on that elliptical but I’m still struggling so much with having meaning in my life. I was on the elliptical last week thinking “why am I doing this” and “why am I doing this” is a question I constantly feel. That’s why the vision, the target, the aim is so important to have. My future has never felt so unclear as it does today and that’s a scary feeling as well. Jesus Calling reminds me of the safety I have in my Lord and gives me encouragement that everything is going as planned for the journey. “That’s the beauty in this madness I’m fighting the odds, battling my own insecurities and contending to be right where I’m supposed to be”.
Then there is “Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion, therefore, I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord”.
I’m headed to a retreat in Asheville in a week and a half. It’s through my church and there will be painting, hiking, devotions, and yes, coffee! I’m praying for some renewable strength on this retreat and to come back, please come back with a vision, a plan that the Lord will reveal to me. I’ve teetered and tottered with what I feel like He is leading me towards and I’ve been scared and strengthened at the very same time. It’s hard to explain but there are just so, so many factors playing into all of this and He knows all about it. I used to doodle exactly what I wanted my life to look like and I loved doing that. It was so inspiring and made me so happy to have things to look forward to. I can say that a lot of those things I doodled came to fruition but the doodling should never stop. I still want to doodle and have hopes, dreams, visions that I want to see happen for myself. Surrounded by hardships and sick family make that very difficult. It just does. But I need to wake up, “get rested”, show up, and get back to doodling.