I’ve been in a funk all week- tired, lethargic, unable to barely get dressed. I literally wake up, put my clothes on, brush my teeth, put deodorant on, do something with my hair if it’s just brushing it or pulling it back, take my medication and then I’m out the door. Showers have to happen at night because I can’t get out of bed. I’ve been so depressed. I knew this day would happen with the realization of my mother being gone but that has happened with several other things piling on me at once. It’s just been hard. It’s been hard for a long time and I long for a day when things start to lift off of me and I just feel better. When I think of down comforters, Egyptian cotton sheets, candles, fall, journaling, Jesus Calling, and a little retail therapy, I start to come back to. After resting and sleeping all week, I finally woke up today and felt better. Cuddling with Foster (my sweet short-haired domestic, black and white cat) and getting some work done got my day off to a good start. I ran some errands, took a shower, made some coffee and felt like myself again. It’s been a productive day for the most part and I’ve felt decent despite my current situation. I’m glad fall is here and ready to dawn some boots, vests, and sweaters. I’m ready for a new season in life. What this season will hold is entirely up to me but I’m praying hard God will intervene in a big way. I’m praying and hoping for a shift- things being in a much better routine than they are now and getting back into the gym. Having clear goals to accomplish and focus on making them happen will make for a good season. It can be extremely hard to accomplish goals, keep a professional demeanor, and “live your best life” when you are depressed. Medication helps but exercise is a must and I absolutely have to make time to get into the gym and get those endorphins going. Finding tranquility in the mundane, bliss in the dysfunction, and peace in the chaos is certainly a challenge but I am up for it. I am determined to forge on and keep carving a path in the midst of uncertainty. I will get there as long as I stay positive and keep putting out to the universe what I want to see unfold in my life. I have two more semesters ( I kept thinking it was one because my brain is in such a fog) left until I graduate from college. As hard as that feels too, I am going to walk across that stage. As hard as work has been lately, I am going to keep learning and growing professionally and do my job extraordinary well. As hard as my personal life has been, I am going to get back in the gym, get dressed, and show up. I am going to curl my hair and hope those curls stick just as I want so many other things to just stick so that they can blossom into something so much greater. Things have been harder than what I’m going through now. Losing my mom is an exception because that is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and experience every day of my life. Getting into that new normal and knowing that this is not the worst, it’s just a very long season after season after season. Sooner or later, I will arrive in a new season. It may not be this fall, it may not even be this winter but it could possibly be the spring of 2020. Oh, the spring, it harvests all of the hard work done in the fall and the winter. It can be a beautiful outcome of things so deeply desired in the fall and winter. I’ll keep lighting the candles, getting the best sleep I can, reading God’s word, journaling my thoughts and dreams, and well, take it easy on the shopping. Retail therapy is a real thing but the cognitive dissonance is there just like eating that Oreo when you know you shouldn’t. Oreos are not my vice but shopping can be. I know I should be saving instead of spending. It was just time for some new sheets and a few new fall tops to spunk up my wardrobe. I have meetings Monday and Tuesday for work and want them to go great. I’ve got to get out of this funk and work hard through it so I can show up as my best self. It’s funny when people say “best self”. How do you know what your best self is when you are constantly evolving? I guess I should say, I’m ready to evolve. I’m ready to grow. I’m ready to do better. My words are on my sleeves tonight as I desire for better. I’m out of the funk, I’ve processed the junk. So now, it’s time for some mindfulness. Slow down but keep up. Embrace this season with all of its flaws. Know that a better season will come, I just have to keep going in the right direction, have discipline, and commit to all of my responsibilities. “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. ”
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Dear Heather, you have such a way with words! My heart aches for you, as you go through this journey. I don’t think any of us could replace the bond you had with your Momma. But know that so many of us have a special place in our hearts for you. The Lord will give you strength as you continue to live the life you are meant to live. I am here to lift you up, as well as so many others. Love, Prayers, and Hugs!
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Johnnie thank you for loving on me so beautifully. Your support means the world to me and I love you too so very much!!!!