Tough As Trails

Grief comes in many forms.  Many have given me the heads up.  I’m so thankful for them because they make me realize I’m not alone. Somehow, I feel like I’m experiencing life more because I know real grief.   But God knew what He was doing when he picked the date and time to take my mother home.  My rock climbing class was a major blessing in disguise.  Two excruciating weekends I spent away from my mother; however, being on the mountain prepped me for what was to come.  In fact, my rock climbing teacher (pictured above) was going through something very similar.  On the way back down the mountain, we had a conversation about our mothers.  He lost his mother just a few weeks after I lost mine.  I didn’t realize completely what I was signing up for when I registered for the class but it was the real deal and it made me “tough as trails”.  I finished the class (the two weekends) and then the next morning (Monday), I went to work. I sat down at my desk.  I think I did two tasks and then I turned my computer off and drove to Thomasville.  By the time I got there, it was time for my mother to go to Hospice. Nancy was there.  My experience with Nancy and my sick mother is something that is etched in my memory forever.  It was time and I had no choice but to accept it. I gathered the most precious items she had and took them to Hospice to fill her room with pictures and things she loved. We received an outpour of people visiting her and telling her goodbye. It got to the point where I didn’t want people there, I didn’t want any noise because I was trying to preserve any and everything left in her. She was surrounded by friends, family, and love. I know that meant a lot to her. I won’t go into everything but that time there was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my almost 32 years of life. I realize it just might be the hardest thing I ever endure.   I wasn’t ready for her to go. I didn’t want her to leave this earth. I held on until the very end hoping for a miracle. I didn’t want to say goodbye because I knew I would see her again someday.  I believe with all of my heart that it is not goodbye, it is just “see you later”.  I’m just so thankful I was there. I’m thankful I could hold her hand until the end and tell her the things I wanted to say to her before she took her last breath. I’m just thankful I was there and as promised, didn’t leave her side (except for the time I went to get her some cobbler she was craving).  I’m thankful that God is still pouring into me and helping me see life in a grateful way instead of an angry way.  I’m not angry, I’m grateful and I am so, so, so sad. I am so saddened by this but I’m trying with all of my might to do something productive and good about it.  I understand it’s a process, a day-by-day thing. I just need to be patient and embrace the day ahead while planning intentionally just what I am going to do. Lately, communicating with and seeing people have been my top priority. People- all of those people who were there have filled my heart up and yes, I am so extremely thankful for them. I’m thankful for the experiences God has put in my life since this has happened.  I hope for the best.  I will keep climbing and I will get tougher through this. It’s going to cost me some tough decisions, tough choices, and tough natural consequences.  I’ll be tough enough to handle it because God is with me through every trail I journey.

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