So it’s me, Foster, and Alex. I was able to make a special trip out to Thomasville before all of this started. I got to go to church with my poppy and spend time with my brothers, sister-in-law, and niece. Other than that, it’s been a lot of balconies sitting, taking pictures of Foster, capturing moments of me in quarantine, reading, and working.  I don’t go live on Facebook so instead, I take a pic and give a note of what is going on in my world. It’s been great to socialize with others through Facebook during this time.  I’ve really developed a virtual community there.  There’s still a lot to do with finishing up this semester and getting that piece of paper at the end of all of this.  Graduation has been cancelled but I’m OK with it. We are still going to the Airbnb in May to get away to Beech Mountain for a few days.  I’m so glad the doors are still open to us there and we have a chance to get away from all of this chaos.  It’s a global pandemic and most everyone in my life has never experienced anything like this. Empty shelves at the store, everything getting cancelled, and being couped up in the house to stay away from people and the virus.  Wearing gloves, masks, constantly washing hands and putting hand sanitizer on after everything you do or touch.  Honestly, I’m starting to feel more depressed at this point. The unknown is so scary to me but I cling to the hope of the Lord and my faith in Him- his protection and sovereignty over my life.  This is going on for another month so I have to prepare myself mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. to take care of myself an guard my heart.  I can’t help but wonder how all of you are doing and when I’ll start to get some readers to communicate through this forum.  This is honestly my favorite place to write and try my best to reach out to others out there – anyone who might be following this blog and have something to say regarding their words on sleeves. I’m blessed to keep smiling and trying to keep a positive attitude – looking at the bright side and embracing these moments.  It’s not been easy; however, imperative.  Some days are just easier than others but some days are really hard.  The President states this should be over by Easter but a lot of people think that is completely crazy to predict right now as the outbreak keeps getting worse and worse.  It’s unreal and hard to process that this is actually happening.  Maybe we all did need to just stop and go inside our homes and reflect on where we are as a country and a human race.  I need God’s mercy, grace, love, affection pouring down on me.  I need to get in His word and pray over my friends, family, and lives that need Him more than we ever have.  I know I do.  I can say that journaling on paper has been particularly hard for a long time but when I write here, it flows out of me.  It’s something I enjoy.  The anticipation that maybe someday I will have readers and the following is exciting.  I know if I keep posting this on Facebook, I might just get people to react to this mission but it’s scary to put this out there. What will people think?  I guess that’s the one thing you have to let go of if you want to put yourself out in the world.  All I know is that this pandemic is absolutely part of the Lord’s story He is writing for us. A friend told me this yesterday and it struck me. It was so beautiful to remember how in control He is and He is watching over us and making decisions for us and others.  He decides to take the people home that He wants in His heavenly realm right now and unfortunately, some people’s time was simply up…  It’s sad to think about but I hope it is a wake-up call for everyone out there that we need the Lord. We need to accept Him as our savior.  I hope I can post some more exciting, hobby-like pictures soon.  Stay tuned and please let me know how you are doing.

So New Year’s went over well and now I am back in school.  3.5 months until graduation.  I have to say, this semester has already been very challenging and the capstone at the end will determine my destiny.  I’m excited and scared at the same time.  I want this semester to be perfect so I have to be careful as to not get caught up in too much anxiety about it and just get it done.  Getting it done requires a lot of reading, studying, and hard work.  I’ve made it this far and just having three more months to go, I know I can pound this out and walk in May.   It’s still been hard focusing fully under so much grief and pain.  With my grandparents being in the condition they are in and the loss of my mother in June 2019, I have had a lot of numbness surround me.  It’s just hard being motivated right now but I’m getting the work done.  The real test will be the exams which are coming up fast.  Alex and I have been having a good time playing games like Jenga and Taboo and going to the greenway together.  I’ve been running for 30 minutes at the gym pretty much five days a week and that makes me feel better.  I try to stay connected to my family as much as I can even if that is through facetime.  I did not edit these pictures too great but wanted to include them as they are inspiring and dreamlike. I also pictured one of me when I was 14 years old with my mother. I think it was Thanksgiving or Christmas.  She was so, so beautiful inside and out and I love looking back at our pictures together even if I am going through puberty in them.  Alex and I are going to look at a house today and then we have plans for a luxurious date night on Tuesday. His brother and sister-in-law gave us a gift card for Christmas for a restaurant called Peppervine.  I can’t wait to dress up and have a good night out. We haven’t done that in such a long time.  Pictures to come!  It’s 9:40 on a Sunday morning. I made a cup of coffee when I got up around 8A.  I’ve been reading over some material for school and organizing some assignments.  I saw a post the other day that said “get up, have a cup of coffee, and start studying. This inspired me to get out of bed as I have been in a deep sleep for several days.  I think it is because of my medication and I am going to talk to my PA about it on Tuesday.  We have MLK Jr. Day off of work on Monday.  I’m taking Tuesday off too to have some time to get caught up on school work and just recoup.  I hope for the best out of these extra days and that I can get to a place where I feel OK to keep going.  It’s been really hard to keep up these days.  I’ve got to get my mind straight to keep it together and stay caught up with things.  I’ll be in touch soon and let you know how things are progressing with college.  I’m almost there!!!

So Christmas 2019 has come and gone. 2020 just around the corner.  Pictured above are photos of family, friends, memories, traditions, and all of the holiday spirits I could possibly incorporate this year.  I worked really hard to stay positive and trust in all of the good that surrounded me.  I’m blessed with still having my Nana and Poppy still here, my mother’s former friend still a huge force in my life as well as her other extremely close friends, Johnnie and Ashley.  They were so good to me this year treating me as their daughter as they promised my mother they would do.  I am blessed to treat them as my second mom’s too.  I’m beyond blessed to have all the support I do around me.  I was so happy this year to give and love.  I have to admit that I was angry most of the time my mother was sick.  I didn’t know what to do with the feelings and emotions so all that I could release is the anger I had from watching her decline the way she did.  We had so much fun together even up to her last days.  I didn’t want them to end.  And now that I can’t pick up the phone and just call her to talk about nothing, everything, and laugh, it leaves a void I can’t begin to explain.  My niece, Sandra Lee, was her pride and joy and brought her the most happiness I’ve ever seen her experience.  I have a locket around my neck that mama told me to put on the day she was transported to Hospice.  Giving it to Sandra on her 16th birthday as Mama requested.  I think of the day we spent my 30th birthday together in Boone all the time.  This was right before she told me the news. The irony is that I knew in my heart the news was coming and that’s why I had been acting out even before she told me. I just knew.  Maybe that was God preparing me, I’m not sure, but I knew.  And that’s another reason the only place I wanted to be for my 30th birthday was with her.  I wanted to be with her every chance I got.  Christmas and Thanksgiving were hard this year without her but I stayed extremely strong, a strength that could only come from Jesus. Alex’s dad helped me make her green bean casserole and I added her touch of nutmeg to it for Martha fashion.  Alex and I carried on the oranges tradition which was so sacred and special to me.  I hope to carry it on with a daughter of my own one day.  Altogether, I think we honored her with the spirit she always brought to every holiday.

New Year’s is around the corner.  Pictures to come.  Alex and I are going to do steak and lobster and I can’t wait to dress up for it.  Even if we are just in our cozy home.  We have some things to look forward to in 2020- possibly a bigger place, my graduation, staying in Beech Mountain with my brother, sister in law, and Alex, and some other little things that I’m dreaming up.  Dreaming up is still something I have to do.  Dreams are important and I realize that since mama passed, all I can think about in the past.  The future is hard to tell and hard to look forward to. However, things like blogging, school, going to the gym, reaching goals, etc. will foster more dreams to come.  Making a wish list is important but the wish list I desire to make consists of things to be, things to do rather than things to have like that Chanel perfume and LV bag that I want to treat myself to for graduation. I can’t help it, it’s part of the woman I want to be.  It’s more than materialistic, it’s more about being a woman who is accomplished and chic and I want to work for it.  Alex is not on board though as we need to be saving for a home.  The long term goals are a little harder for me to comprehend sometimes.  I know it’s part of my manic personality that I must get under control but the thought of that Neverfull hanging from my arm and fitting all of my necessities in, and smelling like Audrey Hepburn is something worth dreaming, right?  Dreams: a new home, a wedding, kids, a career, the American Dream. Please tell me it’s not too late.  More than anything, I want to be okay inside. I know it’s an inside job and all of these outside things that I “desire” are a reflection of what I’m missing on the inside.  I know I need to be in therapy right now.  I have an appointment with my PA on Monday because I’m almost out of my medication. Gosh, it’s worked wonders in my life and I have a new appreciation for PA’s, especially mine.  She’s amazing.  I think it’s ironic, too, that Johnnie is a PA.  Of course, she is! She has that spark, passion, and love for others, love for me and it makes a difference.  And Ashley and Kristy- these women have been my solid rocks through the passing of my mother and I could go on and on about how thankful I am for them.  Although today has been a hard day for me mentally, thinking about mama, I reflect on the good, write about the good, and it makes a difference. It brings me so much happiness to just sit down and type out my words on sleeves.   I just want to move forward and sometimes that is so extremely hard for me.  I need a new muse.  Something to really focus on and not stop focusing on it until it’s time for a new one.  I guess, for now, I’ll keep trying to capture precious moments, keep writing, and keep going.  It’s got to be ok.  If it’s not ok, it’s not the end so this must be my middle.  And the middle, from what I hear, can be exceptionally hard.  It just needs to ease up and the only way that is going to happen is if I become stronger.  Here’s to strength.

So this will be the very first Christmas without my mother here on Earth.  I made it through Thanksgiving thanks to all of my family and friends- reminding me that she is in a better place.  Her spirit was definitely with us but the void was there too.  Now Christmas is here and her Christmas spirit is all over me.  I got the tree up immediately after Thanksgiving and have been blessed to buy for all of my tiny second cousins, niece, and other family members and friends.   I’ve been wrapping Christmas presents and went to a jazz nativity Christmas worship service last night with some family/friends.  I’ll be writing Christmas cards soon and finishing up the wrapping.  Going to make my mama’s green bean casserole for Christmas day.   It will be her’s because I will add her famous nutmeg to it.   I’m so thankful to still have my Nana and Poppy this year and pray that we will get through the season together.  Foster is growing up and I pictured his little brother, Amos.  Foster was too jealous to keep him. I wish you could have seen it.    I miss that little orange cat and wish Foster would not have bullied him but I’m hoping he is in a better place now, too.   I sure do miss my mother, she was so beautiful inside and out.  I’m still working on getting her marker for her gravesite paid for because I can’t wait for that to be there and have a good place to put flowers for her.  It’s just so hard to believe she’s gone.  It’s actually too hard to believe so my mind and heart have just gone into survival mode where I know it’s true, but I have this strength which I know is from God, too, to keep going.  I have two more exams before the end of the semester and I am praying that I make it.  When I see keep going-  passing these exams is part of it.  Since June, my goals, dreams, hopes have gone numb but I have kept going.  It’s just hard to dream up things and set smart goals when I’m literally just trying to make it through the day.  Right now, the dream and the goal is just to graduate.  What comes next will have to be decided afterward.  So for now, I’ll keep going in the spirit of my mother, the spirit of the Lord, and the spirit of hope.  Merry Christmas everyone.  May the spirit of the Lord be with you.

There’s an old life and a new life. A past, a present, and a future. All of my past was painted in this picture below, and then the Lord brought in the colors of the present which lightened it up dramatically.  So while the cross has always been there, it represents my future, my choices, my actions, my perspective, my attitude, etc.  It represents whether or not I’m ready to be seen by the Lord.  I was completely seen by Him on this retreat at the Cove in Asheville, NC.  I’m seen by Him when I’m with my family and I hug my precious niece.  I’m seen by Him on the hiking trails, and when I’m with Rachel Nelson.  I’m seen by Him when He gives me the perseverance to carry on with no longer having my mother on this earth. I’m seen by Him when He reminds me there will be new earth one day, and that I can be a new creature in Him on this earth and the new one.  Even though I’m always, always seen by Him, I’m not ready to be seen by Him.  My insecurities, fear, shame, past, etc. keep me from wanting to be really seen. I think of what it would like to be ready regardless of it all and lean in, step into His presence.  That’s what it looked like at the retreat, that’s what it felt like hiking.  That’s what it felt like painting the layers He has brought me through (out of) and here.  Jesus is my Lord and savior and more than anything in the world, I desire to live a life in alignment with Him, His holiness, and His glory.  Confidence.  Confidence in all of this is the starting point in this present moment.  Tonight, I’m going to paint what I think the colors of confidence look like to me.   Pictures, musings, and writings to come.

Overall, it has been a good weekend. It started with getting off work and coming home to studying and reading.  Cleaning came afterwards, and then reading and studying again to ensure I passed the quiz for Mass Media and Society. The rest of the weekend came with morning coffee, revamping the apartment a little bit and getting some good food at DD Peckers and a nice dessert at TCBY.  Mass Media and Society has been a challenging course for me but I am working through it every day. I realize that it takes a type of reading and studying that plainly, I haven’t been used to in my entire academic career. It’s done something to me, wake me up in a sense of what it really means to be a communications major student. Balancing everything lately has been hard so I’ve taken many steps back to just take care of myself and do what I need to do to get things done.  A lot of work and a little R&R goes a long way.  I still can’t decide if it is my kitchen table or my desk in my room is where I should be settling down but the coffee shops are not where I head to anymore when I have work to do. I remember the days when I lived at the coffee shop.  I don’t know if it is because of the fact of getting older or just my new normal, but home is where I stay these days. So, it is important I keep it up and maintain it as somewhere I am glad to be.  I’ve gotten back to the gym which has been a must in keeping stress at bay.  I forgot just how good it felt after breaking a sweat.  I love getting into my workout clothes and stepping on that elliptical but I’m still struggling so much with having meaning in my life.  I was on the elliptical last week thinking “why am I doing this” and “why am I doing this” is a question I constantly feel.  That’s why the vision, the target, the aim is so important to have. My future has never felt so unclear as it does today and that’s a scary feeling as well.  Jesus Calling reminds me of the safety I have in my Lord and gives me encouragement that everything is going as planned for the journey.  “That’s the beauty in this madness I’m fighting the odds, battling my own insecurities and contending to be right where I’m supposed to be”.

Then there is “Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion, therefore, I will wait for Him.  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord”.

I’m headed to a retreat in Asheville in a week and a half.  It’s through my church and there will be painting, hiking, devotions, and yes, coffee!  I’m praying for some renewable strength on this retreat and to come back, please come back with a vision, a plan that the Lord will reveal to me. I’ve teetered and tottered with what I feel like He is leading me towards and I’ve been scared and strengthened at the very same time. It’s hard to explain but there are just so, so many factors playing into all of this and He knows all about it.  I used to doodle exactly what I wanted my life to look like and I loved doing that. It was so inspiring and made me so happy to have things to look forward to. I can say that a lot of those things I doodled came to fruition but the doodling should never stop. I still want to doodle and have hopes, dreams, visions that I want to see happen for myself. Surrounded by hardships and sick family make that very difficult. It just does. But I need to wake up, “get rested”, show up, and get back to doodling.

Love,

Heather

I’ve been in a funk all week- tired, lethargic, unable to barely get dressed. I literally wake up, put my clothes on, brush my teeth, put deodorant on, do something with my hair if it’s just brushing it or pulling it back, take my medication and then I’m out the door. Showers have to happen at night because I can’t get out of bed. I’ve been so depressed. I knew this day would happen with the realization of my mother being gone but that has happened with several other things piling on me at once. It’s just been hard. It’s been hard for a long time and I long for a day when things start to lift off of me and I just feel better. When I think of down comforters, Egyptian cotton sheets, candles, fall, journaling, Jesus Calling, and a little retail therapy, I start to come back to.  After resting and sleeping all week, I finally woke up today and felt better.  Cuddling with Foster (my sweet short-haired domestic, black and white cat) and getting some work done got my day off to a good start. I ran some errands, took a shower, made some coffee and felt like myself again.  It’s been a productive day for the most part and I’ve felt decent despite my current situation.  I’m glad fall is here and ready to dawn some boots, vests, and sweaters. I’m ready for a new season in life.  What this season will hold is entirely up to me but I’m praying hard God will intervene in a big way. I’m praying and hoping for a shift- things being in a much better routine than they are now and getting back into the gym.  Having clear goals to accomplish and focus on making them happen will make for a good season.   It can be extremely hard to accomplish goals, keep a professional demeanor, and “live your best life” when you are depressed.  Medication helps but exercise is a must and I absolutely have to make time to get into the gym and get those endorphins going.  Finding tranquility in the mundane, bliss in the dysfunction, and peace in the chaos is certainly a challenge but I am up for it. I am determined to forge on and keep carving a path in the midst of uncertainty. I will get there as long as I stay positive and keep putting out to the universe what I want to see unfold in my life.  I have two more semesters ( I kept thinking it was one because my brain is in such a fog) left until I graduate from college. As hard as that feels too, I am going to walk across that stage. As hard as work has been lately, I am going to keep learning and growing professionally and do my job extraordinary well. As hard as my personal life has been, I am going to get back in the gym, get dressed, and show up. I am going to curl my hair and hope those curls stick just as I want so many other things to just stick so that they can blossom into something so much greater.  Things have been harder than what I’m going through now. Losing my mom is an exception because that is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and experience every day of my life.  Getting into that new normal and knowing that this is not the worst, it’s just a very long season after season after season.  Sooner or later, I will arrive in a new season. It may not be this fall, it may not even be this winter but it could possibly be the spring of 2020. Oh, the spring, it harvests all of the hard work done in the fall and the winter. It can be a beautiful outcome of things so deeply desired in the fall and winter.  I’ll keep lighting the candles, getting the best sleep I can, reading God’s word, journaling my thoughts and dreams, and well, take it easy on the shopping.  Retail therapy is a real thing but the cognitive dissonance is there just like eating that Oreo when you know you shouldn’t. Oreos are not my vice but shopping can be.  I know I should be saving instead of spending.  It was just time for some new sheets and a few new fall tops to spunk up my wardrobe.  I have meetings Monday and Tuesday for work and want them to go great.  I’ve got to get out of this funk and work hard through it so I can show up as my best self.  It’s funny when people say “best self”.  How do you know what your best self is when you are constantly evolving?  I guess I should say, I’m ready to evolve. I’m ready to grow. I’m ready to do better.  My words are on my sleeves tonight as I desire for better.  I’m out of the funk, I’ve processed the junk. So now, it’s time for some mindfulness.  Slow down but keep up.  Embrace this season with all of its flaws. Know that a better season will come, I just have to keep going in the right direction, have discipline, and commit to all of my responsibilities.  “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. ”

Love,

Heather

xoxo

In the midst of a lot of pressure and stress, we have found a way to incorporate a lot of fun.  A lot of the fun has developed from complete blessings and a lot of it has developed from school assignments and just the willingness to persevere during hard times.  I think Alex and I both have felt some guilt from having so much fun lately but we had a long talk about that today.  He is in the process of finding a new job, I’m dealing with the loss of my mother and my grandparents not doing well.  On top of that, there are other pressures that surround us but he reminded me today that we have each other and that’s all that counts right now.  Tonight we are having chicken noodle soup for dinner and working on laundry- simplicity, and necessities.  We have taken a step back and taken a  look at our priorities.  We are checking them to ensure they are in order. Lately, my priorities have been God, work, school, and housekeeping which can be a tall order when you are a cat owner. Foster has been dominating my 740 sq feet apartment and I’ve had a lot of cleaning up after him to do.  School is in turbo mode and work is very busy.  I miss my nana and poppy dearly but I’m really doing the best I can right now to keep everything at bay.  I am very thankful to have Alex’s support and help through everything. We have definitely been there for each other in a lot of ways and it is a test to our relationship.  When I got home from church today, I was a wreck. I’m dealing with conviction in my life that I can’t let go.  However, it doesn’t take long to get my mind in a better place through a lot of praying and a lot of writing which help me regain some peace.  A recap to the fun: My sister in law had an extra ticket to the Brad Paisley concert (I can’t get the music from that concert out of my head), my friend Johnnie and her husband transferred Panthers tickets to us, and then we had an amazing time going to dinner with them the next night.  The next day, we made a full day trip to Asheville. I was able to work on my restaurant experience for my intercultural communications class as well as have a blast in the city.  I’m enjoying being back in church and volunteering with the four-year-olds Sunday school class.  It is a joy seeing them excited to learn about Jesus. They are so smart!!!  Most of all, I’m realizing just how extremely blessed I am and I’m praying for God’s mercy and grace to continue to rain on my life.  When I think everything will work itself out, I’m constantly reminded that it comes down to my choices. Why are choices, good choices so hard to make? I feel like the majority of them are good but there are those few that are haunting me.  Honesty is the virtue I value the most right now and I’m working on that paradigm-shift in my heart, mind, and soul.

Last week I met up with my brothers, sister in law, and niece. We went to my Nana’s favorite pizza spot- Sir Pizza.  We had to discuss my grandparents’ will and we were all on the same page and ready and willing to help in any way we could. We brought ideas, concerns, and love to the table. It was so good to be with them on that Sunday and share that time together.  Now I am working with my attorney to finalize some things and have their wills complete soon.  It’s been overwhelming and really hard at times.  Sometimes I wonder why it is us who are doing this but I believe God has given us this job to do. We are all extremely close to our nana and poppy and want to make sure their affairs are handled accordingly.  It has brought us really close- dealing with the end of the lives of my mother and eventually my grandparents all at the same time. I don’t know what I would do without my family.

This weekend I spent the day with one of my mother’s former friends, Yolanda (Yo).  We found a small bookshelf while cleaning out my mother’s apartment and decided to refurbish it for my niece’s second birthday.  Her birthday party theme is llamas so we had a ball in Dollar Tree and Hobby Lobby finding and picking out things for her party.  After the errands were run and lunch was had, we went back to Alex’s house and started sanding and painting the shelf.  Now it just needs one more coat and we will be ready to add all of the sentimental and personal decals to it. It was the first refurbish project I’ve ever done so I had a ball with Yo doing this with her.  It meant so much to her and me because we knew how much we were honoring my mother through this project.

Later that night, Alex and I took my mother’s former fiance out to dinner for his 55th birthday.  We went back to my mother’s favorite stomping grounds, Friendly Center, and dined at one of her favorite restaurants, Bravo.  Dinner was delicious, our waiter was fabulous and the conversations were so bittersweet.  I was so tired on the drive back home but we made it back to Charlotte at approximately 11PM.

Today I went to church and listened to a guest speaker. The message was spot on as he talked about how we don’t know all the details but we know that God’s got this. The music and the message were so moving and they stirred my soul.  It makes a big difference in going to church. My soul needs this fuel just like a car needs gas.  I also got to see a lot of the kids I used to teach in preschool.  One of my dear friends gave a presentation to the now second graders about the time she spent in Jordan. I was there right in the middle of all the second graders, listening to her “children’s” presentation yet my heart was still so extremely moved about her delivery about her time there and about the gospel. It was so beautiful.

When I got home, Alex and I spent an hour at the pool which was very relaxing.  Later in the week we went to the grocery store, watched Netflix, had a grilled cheese and tomato soup (with a pickle on the side) picnic on a pallet in the living room. The simple things really are the best things and they are all I’ve ever wanted.  It’s what I’ve always wanted to share with someone.

I feel very blessed yet still a little anxious (trying so hard not to be) about what is to come.  When I think of writing my five-year plan out (a near-future blog), it does bring on some anxiety because I have no earthly clue what I, exactly, vision for that dream. I have a few ideas but the uncertainty of it pains me. All I know is that God does have this and I have to trust Him.  I have to trust the painstaking feelings, being right in the middle of His will, but still not knowing what that will is…. yet.  I do feel like I’m slowly but surely getting there, it is just going to take some time and a lot of reflection. I got my planner out about an hour ago to do my Sunday weekly planning.  Work is on the left side and school and my personal life are on the right side.  There are so many blanks to fill and so many routine tasks that make the work week’s side every. single. week.  I’ll have to admit that my job is getting harder and I appreciate the challenge. I just hope for the support I need to carry out that challenge and I do believe that I have that support (thank you, Jesus).  Our theme at work last week ended up being “we are all OK”. Yes, it’s OK but I have a deep desire for it to be extraordinary and I’m praying through it and striving for it.

In all things….

5 year plan to come.